Steve Young

Dec. 23, 2004

Dear Santa,

Little Stevie Young here. I know it's a little late in the year for a Christmas list, but I have a problem this holiday season.

It's not about the gift purchasing hassle, which I really don't understand as all that difficult -- though my wife does, as she does all the shopping.

It's not about seeing relatives who you can't stand. I actually like all of mine, though I am thankful that they live very far away -- you know, for the frequent flyer miles.

And it's not even about the last election. I'm pretty sure the country will continue to exist -- though I'm not so sure about the ones we've invaded.

The problem this year, Santa -- a problem that I hope you can explain to me -- is this whole thing about Christmas not being allowed to be celebrated as Christmas.

Or so it seems if you listen to talk radio.

It's almost as if they need something - anything -- to replace the void left by the lack of Swift Boat Veterans for Truth. You can tell when the Lords of Loud are running out of targets and scapegoats: they just go out to the barn and drag in the dead horse for a propos beating. This past week Sean Hannity found need to drill the creaking Sam Donaldson over the dearth of reporters who had the guts to ask Kerry why he wouldn't turn in those guys who committed Vietnam era atrocities 30 years ago. And when finished with Kerry, Clinton (any Clinton) gets hauled in next.

Clear Channel must be thanking God for Christmas secularism.

Do you have talk radio at the North Pole? Well, if you do, you know that the airwaves have been full of consternation as to how those idol worshippers on the left are doing whatever they can to take Christmas out of Christmas. Bill O'Reilly's been talking about it for two weeks. Same with Hannity, who must have been a really good boy 'cause I hear tell that you, with a little help from the boys at Disney, brought him a new $25 million contract. To celebrate, Sean brought on special guests like Newt Gingrich, Dick Morris, Ann Coulter and Oliver North. He was even able to book the rich satire of the charming Mark Levin.

I listen to enough talk radio to know that if anything traditional and/or American is placed in danger, the culprit most likely is the American Civil Liberties Union. Bill believes that the ACLU is the most evil organization to come down the pike. (Or is that MoveOn? Maybe it was France. Well, I know he's got 'em in the top three.)

Supposedly, just about every metropolitan city council, board of education and Democrat this side of NPR has worked overtime to keep Christmas out of America's collective psyche. And while I keep hearing that the ACLU and those loony liberal judges up in Northern California toil 24/7 to ruin everything for the majority, the whole "Holiday" in place of "Christmas" has got me a bit baffled.

Tell me please, Mr. Claus: where the hell is this happening?!

And just how many attacks on Christmas are actually taking place?

I do know that if Christmas had even the loosest connection to Al Qaeda, we could probably start our search with the Spirit of Rumsfeld Past.

As far as I can tell, the Lords of Loud keep repeating the same anti-Christmas, pro-secular stories over and over.

"This just in to FOX News. Christmas Is Under Attack! (Dramatic chord.) Hear Brit, Bill and Sean from the front lines of the battle to rip Christ from the hearts of every Christian. Our embedded reporters are hot on the story!"

"I'm here in Denver where a Christmas float was not allowed in a parade. Back to you, Brit."

"Brit, I'm ducking anti-Christian mortar attacks here in New York where you can just feel the cultural genocide building as Jewish Mayor Bloomberg referred to the city's Christmas Tree in Rockefeller Center as a 'holiday tree.' As a result, churches are falling left and right. The blood of nuns and priests is on your hands, Mr. Bloomberg!"

"And there's more. Did I mention the Denver float problem? Thank God, if I can still say that, for the ecumenical Mecca embodied in Republican Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, who called the California Douglas Fir outside his Sacramento office, a CHRISTMAS tree, and will do so as long as he is in office. Yes, you can rest easy, Jesus. There is an Arnold."

"The secularist lions of political correctness continue to stalk their Christian prey and there is no doubt that once they finish ravaging the body of Christ, they will come after the rest of the God-fearing folk. Lest you believe that it is just a craving for Christian blood, don't be surprised if soon O'Reilly reveals the stories of 'Holiday' menorahs and Muslim floats disallowed in Gay Pride parades. I tellya, folks, this is just the start, okay?"

"Brit, I'm here on the streets of Brooklyn and if I was not here to witness this myself, I would think that this was just some anecdotal story spun by some dogmatic news network. I'm watching heartbroken Jewish children no longer allowed to spin their dreidels. Instead they are forced to rotate what Mayor Bloomberg is calling a 'top with Jewish letters around it.' Call this an inconsequential story if you want, but if memory serves, isn't that what Chamberlain called Hitler? Brit."

Seasons Greetings. Happy Holidays. No big deals? Humbug! These are but progressive attempts to take God out of Christmas and Christmas shopping. And these stories are popping up all around America. In New York. In Denver. In a city in California. And what about Denver? One day Xmas, the next Xster. How soon before XWednesday? As O'Reilly warns us, we could one day become XCanada.

Scoff if you want. The Lords of Loud have warned us. We are at orange on the Killing God alert. Santa, that is the one gift I ask for. Please don't let us become Canada. The exchange rate is a killer.

You pal,

Steve

Steve Young, political editor of National Lampoon and evil genius behind National Lampoon's MoveOnPlease.org, is also the author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful" and "Winchell Mink...The Misadventure Begins" (Harper Collins). His "LORDS OF LOUD" column is a regular feature of AlbionMonitor.net.